Ouch

Well, it's certainly nothing that wasn't deserved.  I hadn't expected to merit my first discipline in quite this manner, but one way or another, it was inevitable. 

I lost a dear friend last week.  She was an inspiration to me and to others.  She was a phenomenal boss and deeply loved.  Master and I both worked for her.  I was heart-broken and devastated when she was forced to retire due to dementia. He was as hurt as I was. 

Her passing this last week was the final step.  I fulfilled my last promise to her.  I never left her.  I never abandoned her.  If she had still been working there, *I* would have been at her side, one way or another. 

It wasn't meant to be.  She was forced out and the PTB destroyed all that she created.  They almost destroyed me in the process, but I survived.  It was close at the time.  I was ready to take a walk to the ladies room, slit my wrists and bleed out, but it didn't happen, largely due to a friend who pulled me out of the depths of pain.

Attending the funeral though, was difficult.  I hadn't realized, until that moment, how bitter I still am over how things were handled.  I'm bitter and angry at what they did to her program and what they did to HER.  I was seated next to the Town Crier and I knew that if I told her, SHE would tell EVERYONE.  So I did.  "Now that she is gone, I've fulfilled my last promise to her and I NEVER have to set foot in this building again."

Master didn't quite see that as "behaving" as I was told to do when I balked at attending the funeral.  I could have been SO much worse.  I was asked to speak as representative for her old staff.  Had there not been so many politicians, community leaders and community members who wanted to speak, I would have.  I would have told how she modeled leadership through service.  It was never about her (or us).  Everything was about the people we served.  It's a lesson that could bear repeating in that venue, but I relinquished my opportunity to speak to honor the people we served and to allow them to express their love for her.

That doesn't mean that I didn't say anything.  Remember the Town Crier.  Yeah.  If you want the news repeated just call "Tell-a-Mary".  It wasn't accidental.  I did it deliberately. 

I paid for that bit of defiance, too.  The next afternoon, after work, I was ordered to the living room and told to "kneel and bend over the stool".  I did surprise him, though.  After a few strokes, he thought I would cave in.  "Are you going to behave now?"  :::silence::  "No."  More lashes.  "NOW are you ready to behave?"  :::thoughtful silence::: "No."  More lashes.....this went on for 20 minutes.  I took quite a few strokes and they got increasingly painful.  It's a good thing he didn't beat me until I "willingly" submitted.  It's been 4 days since and we'd probably STILL be there if I had to give in willingly and graciously.

I don't resent the punishment and I don't resent him.  He wanted to make a point.  What I said was done deliberately to hurt some folks.  I knew that when I said it.  I didn't think he'd punish me for it, but I guess I can be wrong occasionally.  I earned it.  He made his point.  While I can speak my mind in private, when we're in public, I also represent him. 

I will behave, but I stand by my words.  I don't regret a single one of them and I meant exactly what I said.  I hope someone was listening.

Afterward, he held and caressed me.  He expected me to be weeping, but that wasn't happening this time.  I did get royally fucked though.  All is forgiven and he DOES understand why I spoke the truth, however I intended it.  It really is the reason I was punished.  It wasn't WHAT I said, it was the injury I hoped to inflict with my words that earned me the lashing of my life. 

I proved something else to him.  He really expected that I would rise off my knees and fight him.  He expected me to rescind my status as his willing slave.  In some ways, this was a test of my resolve.  Spanked or not, I have found joy through this.  How could I turn my back on it now?

I am his willing slave girl.  I live to serve him.  In giving him pleasure, I find my own wellspring of joy.